


Never Let Kankri Babysit

by HWIAP



Category: Homestuck
Genre: F/M, Humanstuck, I blame tumblr for this, Mentions of Latula, Mentions of Redglare, Mentions of Signless - Freeform, mentions of Mituna, mentions of Sollux
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-10
Updated: 2015-01-12
Packaged: 2018-03-06 22:11:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 4,973
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3150098
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HWIAP/pseuds/HWIAP
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>While Ms. Pyrope is out of city with Mr. Vantas clearing up a case, the next-oldest Vantas puts himself in charge of the rest of the kids. Latula absconds to stay with her boyfriend, leaving Terezi and Karkat to deal with him. (I have the dancestor/descendant age difference at about four years, so Karkat and Terezi are in eighth grade as mentioned and Kankri and Latula are seniors in high school).</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. It Begins (With a Scalemate War)

**Author's Note:**

> I know I should be working on Framed right now, but I wanted to write a thing and a short thing turned into a longer thing. I've got most of this written, I'm currently just adding in another chapter to give it more substance. I'll be posting the chapters as I finish editing them.

“Okay, you two. Our respective parents have put me in charge for the week while they are out of town, so I feel it is only right of me to ‘lay down the law’.” Kankri does air quotations, and Karkat nudges you. You both snicker and roll your eyes. Kankri doesn’t notice. “You two are not to be alone together at any point, lest an unwanted child be born. Both of your doors are to be locked and lights out by nine o’clock post meridiem. If-“

“What in the ever-loving fuck is a post meridian?” You have to bite back a laugh at Karkat’s question, not wanting to set his older brother off more than that question was going to.

Kankri stares at the two of you incredulously, and his voice cracks when he next talks. “Dearest brother, you know vulgar language is not allowed under this roof. But because I am sure you’re unsettled due to our father’s absence, I will let it slide just this once. Post meridiem is the proper term for ‘p.m.’, and it is not ‘meridian’.” He takes a breath, and you feel Karkat slump a little. He knows all too well what that breath meant.

Sometimes you wish he could live with you and your family, but you know that wouldn’t work.

“Now, back to what I had been saying before I was so rudely interrupted. You two are to either be separate or with someone else if you are together. Your respective room doors are to be locked and your lights are to be off by nine o’clock post meridiem. If either of you need anything after that time, you are to come straight to my room and knock on the door. Do not answer the front door for anyone, no matter the time of day, unless you have specifically called a friend over and know for a fact that it is them. While roaming the house, you are both to be fully dressed and covered, to prevent any friction of emotions from happening.”

You cracked. “Did you really just tell us to wear clothes so we don’t get boners for each other?” You just had to ask the question, and the snorting from Karkat tells you he had been thinking the same exact thing.

“Young lady, I am doing what is best for the two of you! Your hormones are bound to be raging, and you have both known each other for years. I know what happens once puberty hits and you have nice-looking friends of the opposite gender.” His voice cracked again, and he was starting to get flustered.

“What, you mean like you and Latula?” Karkat smirks as he brings your sister up, and you snicker a bit. Everybody but him knows that he’s had a crush on Latula since they hit seventh grade; it’s part of the reason she opted to stay with the Captors.

Kankri’s cheeks really flush and turn bright red, and his voice is much higher. “How dare you accuse me of something such as that! Latula is merely a dear friend to me, and I am aghast that you would accuse me of something like having romantic feelings for her! It is beyond triggering! Here I am, attempting to keep order whilst our parents are gone so they don’t come home to you two being pregnant, and you both are mocking me!”

He’s continuing to rant, but you’re fairly certain his sight has gone red because you and Karkat are sneaking off the couch to go hang out in his room. You’ve both been through some form of sex ed – you learned from Braille textbooks while bored in health class, Karkat learned by lecture from Mr. Vantas the first time his voice cracked – so it’s not like you’re ignorant on how children are made. You’re beginning to think Kankri’s the ignorant one. The way he’s talking, it sounds like he thinks you can get pregnant just by looking Karkat in the eye.

The thought of that makes you giggle, and Karkat raises an eyebrow at you. “Kankri probably thinks you’d impregnate me with one look.” He laughs a little and pulls you into his room, where your scalemates are currently residing until your mother gets back from her trip. Once you’re both in, he waggles his eyebrows at you.

“Pregnant yet, ‘Rezi?”

You burst into laughter and fall into your scalemate pile, hugging onto a few of them at once and trying to muffle your loud laughing. You hear Karkat click the lock on the door and go into another fit of giggles. You know full well that lock was meant to keep his brother out.

“We can just sneak out the window whenever we need food, right? And sneak out to use the bathroom? We don’t have to bother with him at all this week if we don’t want to, right?”

“Sadly, he’d bust out the lockpick if we didn’t come out at some point. He’s done it to me before, chances are he’d just knock to make sure you’re in ‘proper clothing’ before busting in. Unfortunately, there’s no escaping the wrath that is my older brother.”

You groan, then throw a scalemate at him. He laughs a bit and chucks it back before joining you in the pile. May as well start the week off with a scalemate war.


	2. Bible Shoving (On the Playground)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Karkat pisses off Kankri because Terezi takes him a little too literally, so they abscond for their old hangout - the elementary school playground.

The next day, you and Karkat are woken up far too early by a loud banging on the door. “Karkat! Terezi! You are both supposed to be in separate rooms! Terezi is supposed to be sleeping in the master suite, not in here with you!”

Kankri’s making it sound like it’s the end of the world if you two are sleeping in the same room. Granted, you’re both on the scalemate pile, nestled extremely closely for two people who claim to not be in a relationship together, but it’s comfortable and you’ve both still got your clothes on.

“Tell ‘im to fuck off and shove a bible in his mouth,” Karkat mumbles. You can tell from the sleepiness in his voice that he’s mostly still asleep.

But still, you turn to the door. “Karkat says to fuck off and shove a bible-“ Karkat practically tackles you, covering your mouth with his hand, his eyes wide. Seems he hadn’t exactly expected you to say that.

“Karkat said what?!” Kankri practically screeches, and now your eyes go big. Holy shit, he sounds pissed.

“Way to go, dipshit. Let’s get outta here before he breaks the door down.” He jumps up and gets ready, the blur of his shape moving faster than you had thought he was capable of, especially when this exhausted. You get ready as well, not caring that you’re changing in the same room as him; he’s doing the same thing, and you’re both too focused on getting out of his room to think about how you should be feeling awkward or embarrassed.

Just after you’ve both hopped out the window and landed in the soft grass of their lawn, your ears pick up the sound of a lock being rattled.

“Come on.” Karkat takes your hand and sprints off, giving you no choice but to follow along with him. “Let’s head to the elementary school.”

You giggle a little bit and nod, running alongside him now that you know where you’re going. “You’re never too old to play on the playground!”

“I figured it’d be a good place to go because Kankri hates it with a burning passion. He won’t be bothering us here.”

“That works, too.”

After a short time of running, you’re at the playground of your old elementary school, with Karkat panting from the run. You, however, are feeling energized and bouncy. So you let go of his hand and bounce off to the monkey bars, hopping up and grabbing onto one easily, pulling yourself up so you can sit on top of them.

“You’re inhuman,” he shouts, slowly making his way to you. He’s still visibly panting.

“You’re just out of shape.” You grin, then hook your legs onto a bar and hang upside down, letting your hair fall and keeping your glasses on by putting a finger on them. Do you care if your shirt falls a bit? Not at all.

He huffs and takes your glasses from you, and you stick your tongue out. “I’m making sure they don’t fall.”

“They’ve never fallen before!”

“That’s because I’m always holding them for you, smartass.”

You huff and reach out to bat at him, swinging yourself so you can get better reach. He just takes a few steps back and is safely out of your reach. “You act so paternal sometimes, seriously.”

He rolls his eyes and crosses his arms, then flips you off with the hand that isn’t holding onto your glasses. Okay, so that wasn’t really paternal, but your point still stands. “You don’t even know how a paternal figure is supposed to act.” Very good point. You won’t tell him that one, though. It was a bit of a low blow.

And you aren’t going to be telling him that one, either. “How long are we going to chill here?” You want to change the topic. Sure, you don’t exactly care that you never had a proper father-figure (Mr. Vantas was about as close as it got), but it’s still something you don’t really like to have brought up. Just like you know Karkat hates it when someone brings up his lack of a mother-figure.

“Probably until one of us gets hungry.” He’s watching you, and you’re watching him. After a few seconds, he climbs up the bars to reach you, sitting on the top next to you. You scoot over to give him some room. “Sorry about bringing up the father thing.”

“I brought up the paternal thing in the first place.”

He sighs and scoots close enough to touch your shoulders together. “If it helps any, I doubt I know what a proper father-figure is supposed to be like. Dad isn’t exactly… A normal father. You know that just as much as you know your mom isn’t exactly a normal mother.”

He was right, and it helped a bit. Neither of your actual parents really acted like a proper parent should. His dad was usually off on a missionary trip or doing a speech on world peace or off in a third world country helping the needy – rarely was he home for long periods of time. Mom wasn’t out of the city nearly as much, but when she wasn’t in some city doing a case, she was typically holed up in the courthouse with clients or files.

“I know.” You rest your head on his shoulder, shifting to let your legs dangle off the monkey bars.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i love my cats but srsly fuck off i need my keyboard cat-less


	3. Snack Hunting (With a Condom)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Playtime is ended by Terezi's need to feed, and when they finally go back to Karkat's house they find a little surprise from their dear protector.

It doesn’t take long after that for you to get hungry, and it’s only then that you realize just how close you’ve gotten. One of his hands is grabbing onto a bar behind you, your sides are pressed together, your head was on his shoulder and his head was on yours. It was a comfortable position, one you didn’t want to leave, but your stomach made the decision for you when it let out a loud growl.

He snorts and raises his head off yours. “Hungry, ‘Rezi?”

“Shut up, Karkles,” you grumble, pulling your head off his shoulder and playfully nudging your shoulder against his. “Let’s just go get some food. Did you happen to grab money from your room, or are we gonna go snack hunting in my house?” Halfway through talking, you had hopped off the bars and stared up at him, watching as he struggles to get down.

“Your place. I was kind of in too much of a rush to grab money. Between getting the fuck out of there and food money, guess which was on my mind?”

“How much of a freak your brother is?”

He laughs and hands you your glasses back. “Okay, you got me there.”

You grin and put your glasses back on, kissing his cheek. “As always. Thanks for keeping these safe for me. Let’s go get some food.”

His cheeks had turned red, but for once you don’t point it out and tease him over it. “Yeah, you got your keys, right?”

“Mhmm! They’re in my pocket.” You slip the small brass key for your front door out of your jean pocket, then push it back in. You aren’t much a fan of keychains; they make things too clunky for convenient storage.

“Good.” He takes your hand and starts to walk, and you don’t even know if he’s realized you’re holding hands when it isn’t necessary.

You certainly aren’t going to be telling him.

Soon enough, you’re at your house, and you unlock the door to get some food. The place smells much more familiar, and you feel so much more at ease. You spend a lot of time at Karkat’s place, sure, but the Pyrope household is always going to feel more like home than the Vantas household.

“You still stocked full of snacks?”

“You know it.” You grin at him, then bound towards the kitchen. Since Mom was hardly ever home, she made sure to keep the house full of food so her kids – you and Latula – didn’t starve to death.

He chuckles and follows after you, staring at the cabinets full of snackfoods and easy-to-make meals. “Holy shit. She really stocked you guys for this trip, didn’t she?”

“Mhmmm!”

“She probably guessed we’d be having problems or something. Got some stuff in the fridge and freezer? I’m thinking of dazzling you with my amazing cooking skills.” He snorts right after he says that, knowing full well he isn’t capable of dazzling anyone with his mediocre cooking. But it’s better than snacks and microwaved meals, so you shrug and nod.

“Sure, go for it. Just don’t burn my place down or anything, ‘kay? We’ve got money, but that’s kind of for college and in case Latula breaks another bone skateboarding.”

“I’m hurt that you believe me so awful at cooking!” He grabs his chest, as though actually wounded, and you just roll your eyes and laugh at him.

“Oh, shut up.” You peck his cheek, then bounce over to a counter and sit up there. “You know I’m just joking. You aren’t that bad anymore.” You grin at him, kicking your legs a little and letting your heels bounce against the cabinets under you. “Feel free to use whatever you find, it’s not like Mom’s going to be using any of it.”

It doesn’t take long at all for him to have an edible lunch prepared for the two of you, and it takes even less time for it to be consumed – you were really, really hungry and Karkat just naturally eats fast.

By the time you’re done with lunch, Karkat’s phone had gone off several times. And when you see the expression he makes when he checks it, you can assume it’s Kankri.  
“He wants us to come back. He sent several apologies, each one kind of contradicting the last or rewording what he said to make it confusing as fuck to deciper, then said that he’s going to Mituna’s place to try convincing Latula to teach him how to ‘handle two pubescent teens that refuse to listen to what is good for them’.”

“So I should be expecting some texts from Latula that mock him then, right?”

“Yeah.”

“Hella.” You grin and clean up, doing the dishes since he was the one that cooked. “Those are the greatest. Should we go ahead and get back then? We don’t want him calling the police when he gets back.”

He snorts and nods, waiting on you. “Yeah. You know he would.”

“He’s done it to you before. Mom called because she was at the police station when he called. She asked if you were here and if you were to tell you to go the hell back home because the police were called for a ‘runaway and slash or kidnapping’.”

He laughs, taking your hand when you bounce over to him. “Sorry about that. I was at Sollux’s place gaming. Couldn’t hear my phone having a seizure.”

You lead the way out and lock the door, nudging his shoulder a few times as you walk back to his place.

What you find when you get there makes you question, once again, whether Kankri is actually a functioning human being or some weird android project gone wrong. Because on the table by the door was a hand-written note, for once not an actual rant, and a condom pack next to it.

“’Use proper protection, please. You are far too young to be procreating.’ Fuck you, Kankri.” Karkat read the note out loud for you, groaning and glaring at the condom. His cheeks are a bright red, and you’re pretty yours are, too.

If it wasn’t for the fact that you were embarrassed beyond belief, you’d be teasing him about it. “Well then, that was great. Let’s go watch some shitty TV until he gets back and lectures us about leaving, shall we?” Topic change. Scenery change. Everything change. You just want to get out of this situation as soon as possible; the air just got really awkward.

Rarely do you think about the fact that you’re opposite genders, best friends, spend most of your free time together, have most of your grade thinking you’re dating, all of that. To you, you’re just Karkat and Terezi, best friends forever and possible soul mates. Not even in the romantic way, but when you start to think about dating you start to think about how it would be to date Karkat. You wouldn’t mind it. You already act enough like a couple without trying to, it’d be so natural.

Maybe one of these days that’ll happen, but for now you are perfectly content with how things are between the two of you.

“You coming over or what?” Karkat had apparently gotten everything ready, looking over at you with a raised eyebrow.

“Yeah! Coming!” You kick off your shoes and bound over to him, hopping across the couch and laying across his lap, giggling in delight as he rolls his eyes and forces out an annoyed sigh. But then his hands are on your back and gently rubbing, and you can see the small smile forcing its way onto his grumpy face.

“You’re so fucking weird.”

“Says the guy that thinks even the shittiest romantic comedy is a masterpiece to be worshiped for generations.”

He grumbles and scowls, then lightly flicks your nose. “Shut up.”


	4. Ranting (About Body Parts)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kankri goes on a rant about where Terezi should and should not be placing certain body parts, and Karkat attempts to make everyone deaf with screeches.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So much for finishing before the end of the weekend. Whoops.

A few hours after the two of you settled in, you hear a car rev up the driveway and nudge Karkat. You were curled up and nestled against his side, and his arm was resting on the back of the couch to keep it out of the way. So of course the moment you register the car being Kankri’s, you push yourself away from him and sit up straight, not wanting to give Kankri a reason to start lecturing the moment he walks through the door. You’d much rather be snuggled against Karkat for longer, but having to listen to his brother rant is not something you think you’re capable of right now.

Surprisingly enough, you hadn’t gotten a single text at all today. Latula must not have been in the right mood. Hopefully she’s remembering to take her medication.

The moment the front door opens, Kankri’s talking. “After a lengthy discussion with Latula, which included several unwanted quips from both of the younger Captors, no doubt thinking they were being funny by being useless nuisances, I have come to a conclusion: I shall let you do as you wish, so long as it is not something morally questionable as stated by your morals. Latula gave me plenty of reasons to trust your judgements and has threatened that if she hears one thing about me attempting to be ‘a controlling egotistical bible-maniac’ – which I informed her was very triggering to call me and that there was nothing wrong with wanting to have control of a situation – she was going to tell her mother that I was harassing you two, even if it that is a false accusation based on no solid proof. I choose to respect her advice because I know that while she may make some questionable choices, she has a good head on her shoulders and knows what is best for her younger sister.”

Well that was a mouthful. It hurt your lungs just listening to him – he never stopped to take a breath. But despite all the words said, you get what he means. He can’t be controlling anymore. He can’t tell you and Karkat what to do. Hell yes.

You grin and slide back against Karkat’s side, curling up once more and nuzzling into his shoulder. He snickers and pauses the movie you two were watching, turning his head to look at his brother. “So does that mean vulgar language?”

Kankri visibly bristles at the question. “No. No that does not. You are still my younger brother, which means I am the one that knows best for you. Vulgar language should never be uttered by anyone, no matter their age, anyways. It is a sin, and I will not have my brother sinning, especially not so young.” The tone he used made it obvious he meant other ‘sins’ besides just cursing.

Karkat huffs, and you snuggle into him a little bit more, enjoying his warmth and his scent.

“Terezi, I suggest being careful of where certain parts-“

“ALRIGHT. WE GOT IT. THANK YOU KANKRI. YOU CAN GET US SOME DINNER NOW AND NOT TALK ABOUT SHIT LIKE THAT.”

“Karkat! What did I just say about vulgar language?”

“You were the one that was about to start talking about her chest!”

You blink and stare between the two brothers, actually a little surprised. You had not been expecting something like that. Again, you think of you and Karkat as best friends and practically soul mates, rarely does it ever occur to you that you’re different genders and your platonic feelings may not be so platonic. Seeing his cheeks grow red just makes it a little more difficult to keep thinking you’re merely best friends. After all, you don’t have any problems with knowing for a fact that it’s platonic, like with you and Sollux.

Kankri clears his throat after a few seconds, adjusting his collar. “Well then. I suppose you have a good enough point. Ahem. Just. Make sure nothing causes any unnecessary friction. I do not want you two to make a mistake because of-“

Karkat lets out a series of very loud sounds, and you scrunch up your face at the audio assault. Once Kankri goes off to order pizza, he nudges the top of your head with his.

“Sorry about that. It was the only way to make him shut up. No way do I want to hear him talking about your boobs. No offense, but that isn’t a topic I want to discuss.”

You snicker a little, seeing that there was still a bit of red on his cheeks. “It’s okay. It got him to go away.”

After eating, the two of you scamper off to Karkat’s room again, this time not having to slink about Kankri. He can’t stop you, otherwise you’ll tell your mother. For once, the threat ‘I’ll tell on you’ actually does something.

You and Karkat snuggle back up on your scalemate pile, a happy grin on your face and something that could be called a smile on his. “Okay, so maybe this week isn’t going to suck too much.”

He chuckles and rolls his eyes. “Yeah, whatever you say. That all depends on whether Kankri actually keeps to himself.”

“Well if he doesn’t, he’ll deal with the wrath that is an angry Mama Pyrope. I’m pretty sure he’s at least smart enough to know not to cross her.”

“Fair enough.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> im a lazy piece of shit


	5. It Ends (With Chapped Lips)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The older Vantas and Pyrope come home, which leaves the two youngest of the family to try wrapping up their week living together.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And here is the finale!

The rest of the week had kind of gone like that. You and Karkat would sneak out during the morning, while Kankri attempted to wrangle you two for a lecture, you’d go to your place to get some lunch, go back to his house to find another condom and another note (and no Kankri), watch TV until dinner, then race to Karkat’s room and snuggle up there until sleep came.

The day your parents were scheduled to get back, Karkat was helping you carry your scalemates back to your house, and you can feel the distaste coming off him in waves.

“Oh, come on. They aren’t that bad! They’re adorable!”

“Maybe to your decaying eyes, but normal humans like me don’t exactly find plush dragons with soul-searching button eyes to be anything synonymous to ‘adorable’.”

While the lack of a proper father in your life can shake you a bit, having someone mention your dying eyes really doesn’t affect you in the slightest. Which is weird and even you know that. Maybe it’s just because you accepted that fact a long, long time ago.

For some reason, part of you is still hoping for a person to show up and announce himself as your father. It’s stupid, it really is, and you know it’s never going to happen.

“Whatever you say, Karkles.” You stick your tongue out at him, then manage to get your front door open. It was pretty difficult to do with an armful of plushies, but you manage it without dropping one.

He huffs and follows you inside, heading for your room. Your plushies get dumped, then you head back to his place to get the last batch of items. On the way there, you hold hands. Since he first took your hand after being on the playground, that’s been happening more often. You don’t mind it in the least. It’s nice to know he’s there.

“Good luck with having to deal with Kankri normally again.”

He laughs and rolls his eyes, giving your hand a slight squeeze. “Come on over whenever the house gets too empty for you. I’ll sneak you in my window if I have to.”

You giggle and squeeze his hand back, pushing your fingers between his and swinging your arms as you walk. “Yeah, will do. You come over if your family gets to be too much, alright? I won’t need to sneak you in, you know Mom sees you as a son and Latula sees you like a little brother.”

“Yeah, I know.” He chuckles, letting your hand go as you head back into his house to get the last stuff. “Mind if I hang out at your place for the rest of the day? Kankri’s likely going to give Dad a whole report on our activities that’s going to last the rest of the day, and I’d rather not be there for it.”

“Of course you can come over! I basically just said you can walk into my house whenever you want.” You snicker, rolling your eyes and grabbing the last armful of your scalemates. Then you turn and bounce away, this time leading.

Soon enough all of your scalemates are returned to their original nest in your room, and the two of you are sitting on your bed, the sunlight from outside turned to a rainbow of colors from your curtains. You’re leaning against him again, and his arm is around you. It was new, having him embrace you like that, but you love it all the same. It was comforting and safe-feeling. You nuzzle into his shoulder and let out a little sigh, smiling.

“Hey, Terezi?”

“Mh?”

“Do you think… One of these days… We’d actually date? Do proper couple things and not just some weird meld of friendship and romantic relationship?”

His question surprises you, and you look up at him. His cheeks were a little red and his eyebrows were furrowed in a way that only worry causes. Part of his lip was in his mouth, and you can easily assume that he was chewing on it.

“Isn’t this good enough for you?”

His lips tug down, and you immediately know you asked the wrong question.

“I mean- We already do couply things, isn’t that close enough?” Fuck, you’re having a hard time trying to word this.

He sighs and kisses your forehead, hugging your side a little tighter. “If it’s enough for you… I figured I’d at least ask. I wouldn’t mind making things… Official, you know? Our friends are starting to date around, and you know how much of a sucker I am for romance…”

You smile just a bit and shift around before nudging your nose against his. “We can make things official if you want. I just wanted to know why.”

“You’re gorgeous, you’re talented, you have the best humor of anyone I know, you’re headstrong and go for what you want and stick to what you believe. Plus, come on, don’t you want to prove people wrong and say you can totally date your best friend without anything bad happening?”

Your cheeks had slowly gained more and more color as he went on with the compliments, and you let out a small laugh when he ends with humor like that. “I’d rather not give a shit about what people think and just date you because you’re the best guy I know. You’re sweet and funny and have the cutest quirks ever.”

He smiles, then leans in just a little bit, tilting his head so your noses don’t get squished together.

Taking the hint, you close the space and kiss him (holy shit his lips are chapped), effectively sealing the deal of beginning a serious relationship with him.

**Author's Note:**

> i'm using the homestuck skin for the first time and am kinda worried  
> if it looks bad i'll change it back to default


End file.
